English Joke ：老闆

Boss
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?", asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot.
He is told that this one costs $1000, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot.
He is told that it costs $2000.
Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

老闆
一個人去寵物店想買一隻鸚鵡。
老闆指向那三隻站在棲木上看起來一模一樣的鸚鵡說：「左邊的那隻要500元。」
「為什麼這麼貴？」那個人問。
老闆說：「噢，那隻鸚鵡會用電腦。」
那個人接著問旁邊那隻鸚鵡。老闆回答那隻要1000元，因為其他鸚鵡會的他也會以外，他還會用UNIX操作系統。
自然地，那個越來越受驚嚇的人問起了第三隻鸚鵡。
老闆回答那隻要2000元。
那人無可避免的問，「牠會做什麼？」
老闆回答：「老實說我從沒看過牠做一件事，但是其他二隻都叫他老闆！」

English Joke ：深受訓練的鸚鵡

Highly trained parrot
This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg.
He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

深受訓練的鸚鵡
有一個人到寵物店想買隻鸚鵡。在那裏他看到一隻鸚鵡左腳繫著一條紅線而右腳繫著綠線。
他問老闆綁那些線是什麼意思。
「恩，這是一隻訓練得很好的鸚鵡。如果你拉紅線他會說法語；如果你拉綠線他會說德語，」老闆回答。
「那如果我兩條線一起拉會發生什麼事？」那個好奇的顧客問。
「我會掉下來，你這個白痴！！」鸚鵡尖叫地喊。

English Joke ：心不在焉的教授

Absent Minded Professor

The university professor and his wife were leaving church.
Professor : "Ha, ha! Who's absent-minded now ? You forgot your umbrella and left it in church, but I remembered mine and I picked up yours, too."
Wife : "Fine -- but the trouble is, neither you nor I brought an umbrella to church today!"

心不在焉的教授
大學教授和他的太太從教堂離開。
教授：「嘿，嘿！現在是誰心不在焉？你把你的雨傘忘在教堂了，但是我記得，而且我也拿了你的。」
太太：「很好----問題是，我們兩個今天都沒有帶雨傘到教堂來。」

English Joke：How is Normas ？

How is Normas？

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me spit."

　

諾瑪怎麼了？

一位古錐的阿媽打電話到喬瑟夫醫院。她害怕的問：「可以有人告訴我一位病人的現況嗎？」

接線生回答：「我很樂意幫助你，親愛的。那位病人的名字和病房號碼是？」

阿媽用她虛弱、顫抖的聲音說：「諾瑪‧凡雷，房號302。」

接線生回答：「請稍等一下讓我去護士站查一下這個病房。」

幾分鐘之後，接線生回到線上說：「我有一個好消息。她的護士剛告訴我諾瑪復元的相當好。她的血壓正常；她的血液循環也回復正常；她的醫生，柯漢大夫，已經計劃讓她明天出院。」

阿媽說：「謝謝。真是太好了。我擔心死了。謝謝你的好消息，願 上帝賜福你。」

接線生回答：「你真是太客氣了。諾瑪是你的女兒嗎？」

阿媽說：「不，我就是住302病房的諾瑪‧凡雷。沒有人肯坦白跟我說。」

English Joke：女人

Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
　　
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
　
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
　
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
　
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
　
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her
　
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
　
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
　
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
　
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
　
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
　
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

All in all , to be a man is a hard work .


女人

如果你親她，你不是個紳士。
如果你不，你不是個男人。

如果你讚美她，她會認為你花言巧語。
如果你不，你不是個東西。

如果你贊成所有她喜歡的，你是個軟弱的。
如果你不，你是個不解風情的。

如果你常常拜訪她，她會覺得厭煩。
如果你不，她會指責你腳踏2條船。

如果你善於打扮，她說你是個花花公子。
如果你不，你是個無趣的人。

如果你忌妒，她會說那真是太糟了。
如果你不，她會認為你不愛她。


如果你誘惑她，她會說你不尊重她
如果你不，她認為你不喜歡她

如果你遲到一分鐘，她會抱怨她等了多麼的久。
如果她遲到了，她會說這是女生的權利。

如果你去拜訪別人，你就是不願和她獨處
如果別的女人來拜訪她，「喔，這是自然的，我們是女生。」

如果你久久才親她一次，她會說你很冷酷。
如果你常常親她，她會大叫你佔她便宜。

如果你盯著一個女人看，她會指控你搞曖昧
如果她被一個男人盯著看，她會說他們只是欣賞

如果你說話，她會希望你仔細聽就好。
如果你仔細聽，她就會希望你說話

男人真難啊！

English Joke：2個單身漢

Two bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,
their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
　　"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
　　"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...'"


2個單身漢

2個單身漢坐著聊天，他們從政治聊到了烹飪。
「我有一次買了一本食譜，」其中一個說「但是我從來沒辦法靠它做出任何菜。」
「需要高度技巧，對吧？」另一個問。
「你說對了，每一道菜總是用同一個方式開始—
拿一個乾淨的盤子…」

English Joke：忠犬

Faithful Dog
Peter has to sell his dog. David wants to buy it.
David: Is this dog faithful ?
Peter: Yes, I have sold it 3 times earlier also. It is so faithful. Every time, it returned back to me.

忠犬
彼德必須賣掉他的狗。大衛想要買。
大衛：這是隻忠狗嗎？
彼德：是啊，我之前也賣了他3次。牠非常的忠誠。每一次牠都跑回來。

English Joke：愛的禮物

Love Present

A Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.
Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.
Doctor asked: WHY ??
Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!


愛的禮物

一位醫生和一位梵學家(印度哲學家)愛上同一個女孩。
梵學家開始每天給女孩一顆蘋果。
醫生問他說：「為什麼？」
梵學家回答：「每天一顆蘋果遠離醫生！」

English Joke：你差點害死我

You nearly killed me

Harry did not stop his car at some traffic-lights when they were red,and he hit another car.Harry jumped out and went to it.There was an old man in the car.He was very frightened and said to Harry,''What are you doing?You nearly killed me.''

''Yes.''Harry answered,''I'm very sorry.''He took a bottle out of his car and said,''Drink some of this.Then you'll feel better.''He gave the man some whisky,and the man drank it,but then he shouted again,''You nearly killed me!''

Harry gave him the bottle again,and the old man drank a lot of the whisky.Then he smiled and said to Harry,''Thank you.I feel much better now.But why aren't you drinking?''

''Oh,well,''Harry answered,''I don't want any whisky now.I'm going to sit here and wait for the police.''


你差點害死我

哈利闖紅燈撞到一輛車，他離開車去查看。一位老先生坐在車裏，他飽受驚嚇的對著哈利喊：「你在幹什麼？你差點害死我。」

「嗯」哈利回答：「我很抱歉。」他從車裏拿出瓶子說：「喝一點，等一下你就會覺得好多了。」哈利拿的是威士忌，老先生喝了，但還是繼續對他大喊：「你差點害死我了。」

哈利繼續把酒瓶給他，這次老先生喝了不少威士忌。接著他笑著對哈利說：「謝謝。我現在覺得好多了。但為什麼你都沒喝？」

「噢」哈利回答：「我現在不想喝，我正在等警察來。」

English Joke： 上帝送來的錢

Money From God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

　　When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

上帝送來的錢
有一位小男孩非常非常的想要100元，他祈禱了又祈禱，祈禱了2個星期，但是什麼也沒有發生。所以決定寫一封信給 上帝去請求那100元。

當郵局接到這封 ”美國 上帝” 的信，他們決定把它送給總統克林頓。總統收到這封信時印象深刻、深受觸動，出於好玩，他指示他的秘書給小男孩送去一張5元的支票。克林頓想這對一位小男孩來說似乎是一筆大錢了。

小男孩很高興收到5元，而且馬上坐下來給 上帝寫感謝函。上面寫著：「親愛的 上帝，謝謝你送給我的錢。然而我注意到為了某些理由你必須從華盛頓特區送來，像往常一樣，那些混帳黑了95元。」

English Joke：請讓我別遲到

Don't Let Me Be Late!

　 　　A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
　　She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"

請讓我別遲到
一個小女孩穿上她最好的禮拜服，盡可能的快跑，試著不要在聖經課上遲到。她一邊跑一邊祈禱：「親愛的主，請讓我別遲到！親愛的主，請讓我別遲到！」
就在她一邊跑一邊祈禱的時候，她踢到了人行道的砌邊石跌倒了，使得她的衣服髒了而且破了。
她不理這些的站了起來，又開始跑。她再次開始祈禱：「親愛的主，請讓我別遲到！…但是，也不要推我！」

English Joke: 在商言商

All About The Businessman

A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.
So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The businessman replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

在商言商
一位生意人走進紐約的一家銀行找放貸人員。
他說他要去歐洲洽商2星期需要貸款5000元。
放款人員說這樣的貸款，銀行方面需要抵押品。
生意人交出一輛停在銀行前面的勞斯萊斯的車鑰匙。
都檢查過後，銀行同意把車子當成貸款的抵押品。
一位行員把勞斯萊斯停進銀行的地下車庫。
2個星期之後，生意人回來了，還了貸款5000元及利息15.41元。
放貸人員說道：「我們很高興能跟你做生意，而且這次的交易證明是非常成功的，但是我們有一個小疑問，在你離開的期間，我們調查了一下，發現你是個千萬大富翁，讓我們困惑的是你為何需要借5000元？」
生意人回答道：「在紐約，還有哪裏可以讓我停車2星期只收15塊？」

English Joke: 吸血蝙蝠

Vampire bat

A vampire bat comes back to his fellow vampires with a bloody mouth.
They stare at him jealously and ask him where he got the blood.
In reply he asks them, "Did you see that tree back there?"
"Sure," they reply.
"Well, I didn't !"


"一隻吸血蝙蝠帶著滿嘴的血回到牠的吸血同伴身邊。
牠們嫉妒的盯著牠問血從那來的。
牠不答反問，『你們看到那邊那棵大樹了嗎?』
『當然，』牠們一致的回答。
『我沒看到!』

English Joke:謊言之鐘

The Clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Who's clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."


謊言之鐘

希拉里死後去到天堂。在天堂之門，當站在聖彼德面前時，她看到聖彼德身後的一堵大牆上掛滿鐘。
希拉里問：“那些是什麼鐘？”
聖彼德答：“那些是謊言之鐘，人人也有一個。每當人說謊時，鐘的指針就會動。”
希拉里說：“啊，那是誰的鐘？”
“那是德蕾莎修女的。指針從未動過，顯示出她從未說過謊。”
“那個呢？”“那是林肯的。他一生中指針只動過兩次。”
希拉里又問：“克林頓的呢？”
“克林頓的鐘在耶穌的辦公室，耶穌把他的鐘掛在天花板當風扇。”

English Joke: 吝嗇鬼的派對

The mean man’s party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.
Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said,
"Come up to 5A and ring the doorbell with your elbow.
When the door opens, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"


一個有名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要辦一個派對。
他向一位朋友解釋怎樣去他家時說：
“你上五樓A座，然後用你的手肘按門鈴。門開後，再用腳將門推開。”
“為什麼我要用手肘和腳？”
吝嗇鬼答：“喂老友，你不是想空手來吧？”

English Joke ：太早購物

Early shopper

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.
"What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

適逢聖誕節，法官審訊犯人時表現仁慈。
他問：“你為什麼被起訴？”
被告答：“過早購買聖誕節物品。”
“這不算犯法，”法官回應，“你有多早購物？”
犯人應道：“在商店開門之前。”